


Got Those Diladelphia Blues

by goldfishsunglasses



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, Curses, Don't Judge Me, M/M, Malteasers, i'm spoiling it oops, just crack, why is that a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 08:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4998721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldfishsunglasses/pseuds/goldfishsunglasses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was only a bag of Malteasers, what could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Got Those Diladelphia Blues

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a late night conversation and my phones inability to autocorrect properly. This is the weirdest thing I have ever written oh god.

Our story begins, as the best stories do, with a bag of Malteasers.

If only Dan Howell had been able to resist. Those damn little chocolate balls were always destined to be his downfall. 

He was walking through the streets of London one hot summer day. Like any other day, he was wearing all black from head to toe. Sometimes he was tempted to dye his hair black, but he knew that was Phil’s thing. Sweat dripped down his back. Dan knew it was stupid to wear all black in the heat, but aesthetic. His black skinny jeans hugged his ass like a grandma would hug her grandchildren, but not her actual children because they ruined her chance of being a dancer.

He was just about to pull off his black jacket with unconventional zippers when he spotted a bag on the ground. He instantly recognized the red color, the familiar white lettering, and the smell. Some people argued that you couldn’t smell chocolate through the package, but Dan could.

Dan definitely could.

The smell was so tantalizing, so inviting that Dan leaned down to pick the bag up, not even caring that it had been sitting on the city ground for who knows how long. He ripped the corner of the bag and started to munch, continuing his journey back home. 

Once he finished the bag, he spotted another one on the ground. He shrugged and picked up that one up as well. He wasn’t going to turn down free Malteasers, after all. That would be crazy. Almost as crazy as eating random bags of Malteasers off the ground. He quickly shook that thought away.

Dan turned the corner and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. There, right in front of him was a trolley piled high with bags of Malteasers. He nearly wept with joy. He rushed forward and started grabbing as many bags as he could.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”

Dan turned around quickly, dropping all of the Malteasers out of shock.

It was a witch! She looked like a stereotypical Halloween witch, from the wart on her nose to her pointy shoes. The only thing she was missing was a broom. Nevermind, there it is. 

The witch grabbed Dan by the wrist and squeezed.

“Trying to streal my Malteasers, boy?”

“No!”

“Don’t lie to me! I have magical powers! Are you stupid?”

“Yes! Okay, yes! I was going to steal them! They just smelled so good!”

“Daniel James Howell, for the crime of stealing my Malteasers, I’m probably definitely going to kill you.” said the nurse.

“Wait, WAIT, wait, please let me go!”

“Okay, if you can pass my challenge, you can go free and I’ll leave you alone forever.”

“What do I have to do?”

The witch dug through her trolley full of Malteasers until she found what she was looking for.

“If you can resist this bag of white Malteasers, you are free to go.”

“Thanks!” Dan snatched the bag from the witch and ran the rest of the way home. When he returned to his flat, he paused. Could he really resist this bag of white Malteasers? 

In that moment, he decided he had to. For Phil. Even if….even if Phil has no idea just how obsesse--in love with him Dan was. He squared his shoulders like a square and marched inside. 

When he entered the kitchen, he saw that Phil was baking.

“Are you shooting a video without me?” He asked, hurt.

“Of course not, silly. I’m making a special treat for you!”

Dan’s heart soared. Could this mean?

“It’s a best friend cake!”

Dan’s heart felt like it had been pulverised by something that pulverises things. 

He turned around to go to the lounge, then turned around to face Phil.

"Philly?"

"Yes, Danny?"

"Do you think we're too co-dependent?" Dan questioned questionably

"Of course not, now come here so I can spoon feed you this Mille Crepe."

“Where did you learn to make Mille Crepe?”

“Anime.”

“Works for me.”

Dan opened his mouth wide like a baby bird and Phil slowly inserted a slice of the delicious cake. Dan moaned whorishly and swallowed it all down. Phil patted his head.

“That’s my good boy.”

Dan grinned, and watched longingly as Phil left the room.

"Oh Phil," thought Dan, "I wish you would kiss my chapped, yet surprisingly soft lips."

“What did you say?”

Oh shit! Had he spoken out loud?

“I SAID YOU’RE UGLY AND YOU SMELL LIKE BEES.”

Phil’s jolly laugh rumbled through the flat. 

“Goodnight, Dan.”

Dan sat down on the floor and pulled the bag of white Malteasers from his pocket. He stared at them until his eyes swam and he saw double. Surely the witch wouldn’t actually be able to tell if he ate one, or two, or the whole bag. 

He very carefully ripped open a corner, eyes darting around nervously. He shook a small white ball into his palm. Nothing happened. He lifted the small white ball to his plump pink lips. Nothing happened. His lips parted and he gently pushed the ball inside. He groaned as the flavor exploded on his tongue and something happened. 

The witch appeared in the middle of his kitchen, wearing a towel and looking supremely pissed off.

“Really? You couldn’t have waited until after my bath? I had just gotten a new bath bomb, you idiot boy.”

“Hey! I didn’t ask you to come here!”

“You knew the consquences! Now brace yourself for the curse!”

Dan braced himself.

"You will be irresistible to Phil--"

Dan perked up, maybe he would finally be able to get senpai to notice him.

"--Ladelphia"

"Philadelphia? Like the entire city?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because lolzor."

The witch popped out of the room with a pop, and rolling his eyes at the ridiculous situation, went to bed. He paused outside Phil’s room before entering his own. Maybe someday.

Dan woke up the next morning in an unfamiliar place. After taking a few minutes to adjust to his new environment, he noticed a strange noise coming from outside. It sounded like people. A lot of people. He also noticed he was nude. 

He wrapped a blanket around himself and went to the window to investigate. A huge crowd was gathered outside. They cheered as soon as his face appeared, and he quickly shut the curtain.

A weird scratching noise started coming from the floor and Dan froze, terrified of what was going to happen next. A floorboard was pushed up and Phil’s head popped out from the hole.

"Dan get in! Quickly!"

“Ph...Phil? What are you doing here? Where am I?”

“You’re in Philadelphia, Dan. Or should I say, Diladelphia, as the entire city has decided to ship itself with you.”

“With me? Why?”

“Hell if I know. Now, hurry!”

Phil’s head disappeared and Dan jumped down the hole after him. He raced after Phil until Phil stopped in front of a car. He yanked the door open and lept inside. Hesitant, Dan climbed in the passenger side. They sped off.

"Phil, you're a terrible driver!"

“I know, but I had to save you"

Dan smiled.

"I was hoping it would be you.”

Phil smiled.

“Did you really expect anyone else?”

"I love you, Phil. Even more than all the Malteasers in in the world.”

"I love you too" Phil said. 

He turned to look at Dan. Dan screamed as Phil’s skin peeled off to reveal his true lizard form underneath.

-THE END-

**Author's Note:**

> I scared myself with my own brain


End file.
